After spending much of the offseason making fun of Sports Illustrated for picking the Giants to finish last in the NFC East in 2007, I realized, in a rare moment of humility that predicting an NFL season might be more difficult than it looks. So this year, for the first time, I will predict the NFL season, with full records and playoff results. Plus this gives all of you a chance to make fun of me.
No, I did not just copy this off of Madden NFL 2009 (because I don't have it). No, I didn't just copy this off of Tecmo Super Bowl. And yes, I made sure all the regular season records add up to 256 wins and 256 losses. In fact, I also include division records on the whole as I feel it's important to predict the overall strength of a division, as these teams will be playing each other the most, and therefore will show how tough their level of competition is.
Without further delay, here we go:
AFC
EAST
Patriots 11-5
Jets 10-6*
Bills 8-8
Dolphins 7-9
TOTAL: 36-28
The Patriots, no longer able to cheat, lose 5 more regular season games than last year...but still squeak by for the best record in a much improved division. The Jets were better even before Favre was added (Faneca, Pace, Woody, Gholston, Keller, Jenkins). Pennington is solid for Miami. Marshawn Lynch leads the AFC in rushing, as well as hit-and-runs.
NORTH
Steelers 11-5
Browns 9-7
Bengals 6-10
Ravens 5-11
TOTAL: 31-33
Steelers as always are tough and consistent. Browns offense again lights it up, but they just miss the playoffs due again to a poor defense. Bengals top their own NFL record for arrests. Ravens become the latest team to unretire Vinny Testaverde because they have no QB.
SOUTH
Colts 12-4
Jaguars 11-5*
Texans 7-9
Titans 6-10
TOTAL: 36-28
Colts and Jags battle it out all season, as usual. I was close to picking the Jaguars to win it, but until that happens I can't go against the Colts. Mario Williams dominates for the Texans, making those who instead wanted Reggie Bush or Matt Leinart eat their words even more. Vince Young finishes the year with a QB rating lower than Pamela Anderson's IQ, but is again defended for "having no weapons."
WEST
Chargers 10-6
Raiders 7-9
Broncos 7-9
Chiefs 6-10
TOTAL: 30-34
No one really impresses me here, but the Raiders will be the most improved of the group. I sort of give the division to the Chargers by default, but they will struggle with a hobbled all-pro (and all-chemical) pass rusher Shawn Merriman.
NFC
EAST
Cowboys 11-5
Giants 10-6*
Eagles 10-6*
Redskins 7-9
TOTAL: 38-26
Along with the AFC East and AFC South, I consider this the best division in the league. 3 teams go to the playoffs, and the Redskins are competitive. The Giants sorely miss Strahan and Umenyiora, but Eli Manning picks up where he leaves off and has an MVP caliber season.
NORTH
Vikings 10-6
Packers 10-6
Lions 8-8
Bears 5-11
TOTAL: 33-31
With a full season of good health, Adrian Peterson leads the NFC in rushing and gives the Vikings the edge they need, as they win the division with a tie-breaker over the Packers. Confused Green Bay fans don't know whether to love or hate Aaron Rodgers. The Bears just miss out on signing Vinny, so turn to Doug Flutie to rescue them from the Orton/Grossman carousel.
SOUTH
Panthers 10-6
Saints 9-7
Buccaneers 9-7
Falcons 4-12
TOTAL: 32-32
These teams are all kind of boring so I don't know what to write about them.
WEST
Seahawks 6-10
Cardinals 6-10
Rams 5-11
49ers 3-13
TOTAL: 20-44
Yes, this will be the worst division of all-time. (In any sport - even counting this year's NL West in baseball.) The only reason I give the Seahawks and Cardinals 6 wins, is because they get to play each other, as well as the Rams and 49ers, twice each. Again a division is decided by a tiebreaker, though the NFL is reluctant to let anyone from this division into the postseason.
PLAYOFFS!???
Wild Card Round:
Jets over Patriots (Favre: 5 TDs - gunslinger!)
Jaguars over Chargers
Giants over Seahawks
Eagles over Panthers
Divisional Round:
Colts over Jets (Favre: 5 INTs - gunslinger!)
Jaguars over Steelers
Cowboys over Eagles
Giants over Vikings
Championship Round:
Colts over Jaguars
Giants over Cowboys (Romo: 2 INTs, 3 mishandled FG holds)
Super Bowl:
Colts over Giants (Manning Bowl! Mr. and Mrs. Manning are shown 327 times during the 3 hour game broadcast.)
So there it is, I've got my story straight. And I promise not to change anything when it's week 4 and all of this is obviously wrong.
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2 comments:
I don't need your NFL predictions to make fun of you. Moreover, getting the predictions wrong is not the aspect of this situation that will cause me to make fun of you.
I agree 100% with Mike.
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